I’ve got an hour left to burn before I go to my classes. So today, I would like to revisit the topic that is Gaia Online. Now, the only reason I re-visited that humongous site was due to me wanting to change my passwords and emails from all over the web. And boy is that a huge list. And I came to Gaia.

And I’m hooked. Again.

#$@&

I don’t have time to be hooked on to that damn site but I just am. I let the old account rot and started a new one. I’m Somantic on it. This time, the registration provides more than one set of rags and ugly shoes rampant with holes. Instead you are now presented with a selection decent tops, pants and shoes. Like…seriously decent. I think I’ll stay on it for a while longer this time.

Originally published at State. You can comment here or there.

I think back to my sex education and then, back to what really is sex, and realize that…we only learn about protection. About how a healthy penis and a vagina looked like. And what the end result is for a failed protection sex. The physical side of it. Not what it actually means. What sex is suppose to mean…or…maybe I’ve gone all soppy.

I don’t know. I’ve been thinking about the “aspects” of long-term relationships and marriage and kids and…how kids are made. It’s all about love this, love that love whatever. But in sex education, we learn that sex + no protection = unwanted kids.

Sex is about touch, intimacy, caresses and all that relates to it. Love. And some adults think that sex education is enough as when we get to the real thing, we’d instantly know what to do because we’ll “get caught up in the moment”. Which is utter bullshit. And other adults are just tight-lipped about it. And these adults tend to be parents.

Looking at it from an evolutionary psychology point of view, the whole aim of life is to reproduce successfully and to ensure that our offspring will in turn, also reproduce successfully. Our aim in life is just to pass on the genes. And to do that we have to mate. The genes doesn’t care if it’s your seventh cousin, twice removed. It just wants to pass on.

We make sex out to be something that is…dirty in some ways. Or to be some tool or a bargain chip.

I think I have definitely gone all soft and sappy. And it can’t be PMS cause…I know. I don’t like being sappy. And this entry is one of the reasons why.

Originally published at State. You can comment here or there.

Meh. It’s already Thursday and I have done shit. Fark. I keep telling myself, “OK. Today is the day you’re going to do some serious work.” But uh…that doesn’t happen. Let’s see what my excuses were…

Monday - First official day of holiday. Deserve to have a break.
Tuesday - I want to finish reading the fanfictions, damn it! And got hooked onto Acid Factory.
Wednesday - Have to finish Acid Factory! Which I did by the way. But with some help from some YouTube video for level 7 and level 24. Also got hooked on to Small Fry. It reminds me of the Lemmings game for the PSP. I’ve only played like…five minutes of the game. But it’s got a similar feel to it.
Thursday (Today) - Saw that Small Fry was a product of Nitrome and went to check out the site. Then…got hooked on to Mutiny, Frost Bite and Final Ninja. And I still haven’t finish reading the fictions. Argh!!! Why do people write good fanfictions when I’m on my holidays?!?!?!?!?!

Can you tell I’m frustrated by my lack of self-control?

I’m not going to make any promises to myself I’ll do work today but I’m going to try slightly harder than the previous three days. But I have to say though, the past three days were quite OK. It felt good. Even my back was good! Sort of…

Originally published at State. You can comment here or there.

I think the notion that maybe I’m less important than my brother is the thought that really scares me. I mean, my mother has gone on about how her mother definitely prefers her brother than her. And in my whole lifetime, she’s always said things that refer to that and says that she never treats me and my brother this way. But ever since I came to New Zealand, I have been thinking whether if that is true. Does she really treat me and him with fairness?

And it really breaks my heart, well not break but it makes my heart go all weird to think that that may not be true. I really feel strongly about this issue because you know the Chinese. Always preferring male to females. I’m Chinese but have never set foot in China. And I thought that maybe I’m a little further away from being treated unfairly than my brother because we’re not that strict on traditions. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe my parents, or more specifically, my mother shows slight preferences to him than me. And I shit you not when I say I’m scared if that is true.

I can think of a few incidents where preference for him showed a bit. And whenever I think of them, my heart goes all weird. And I’ll start crying. It just feels…weird I suppose.

Mother always goes on about how she moved out of her parents house at 18 and maybe I should move out too. She doesn’t really put much “force” in her words but she says it quite a lot. Like she doesn’t want me in the house or something. Or maybe I’m just over-analyzing. But she continuously bring up that subject which I don’t want to talk about.

But after a few incidents in the past few month, I’ve been thinking that maybe moving out is really the best for me. If I move out, I don’t really have to see how they treat him. And I can live my life out in fairness. No constant “discussions” about me moving out, me being a let-down, me being jobless, me being lazy and whatever else they feel the need to discuss with me.

It’s just so…tiring thinking about all of that. I feel tired and drained when I think about these things. And my eyes hurt a little bit. Heh. I was thinking that if I want to move out for next year, I will have top get a full-time job and stop studying. Which I’m actually quite OK about. I don’t mind flatting by myself as I’m quite a solitary person, but if one of the other friends wants to flat with me, I don’t mind.

Originally published at State. You can comment here or there.

Plans to concentrate on university assignments which is to be completed within the first two days back to university has flown out the window. To be replaced by the wonders that is online shopping. Yesterday I placed an order for this pack of bracelet from Major Tommy. A lot of his works are really just…well done. If I could afford more, I’d definitely buy some of the other metal wire works. They really are gorgeous.

Originally published at State. You can comment here or there.